For a stretch this Summer I was deliciously in my body. Hopefully we’re all in our bodies to some degree or another all the time. But there are some moments when that feeling is sharp and insistent, and every touch, every brush of fabric or surface against our skin brings up emotion. I had one of those stretches this pandemic Summer and it was sweet. The world around me roiled, and I found a small oasis of pleasure. I felt guilty with it.

I had an attraction that was consummated. While the relationship did come to fruition, it is kinda stalled. There are various reasons that factor into this state of being. Even though I am very transparent in most of my life, I will be somewhat uncharacteristically mum here. Not to be coy, or to hide crucial information, but more because what I have to say, the point I am trying to make, doesn’t require your knowledge of that information.

There is a person. A person who had been in my life before in a wonderful, if compromised, manner. This person was back and was speaking beautiful soulful words into my heart. I was swimming in those words. They poured over my skin like warm oil. They reached into my crevices, the quiet places that had been sleeping for a while. Those words, those murmurs, those deep breaths wrapped me in a blanket of warmth and confidence and love. And they turned me on. In a way that I thought was lost to me, I was alive. In a way that I hadn’t been in years, the world came into sharp relief and I felt it all through my skin. I have come to learn that words of affirmation are my love language, so this all makes more sense to me now.

What does a person who makes her own clothing, whose medium is cloth, do with those feelings? She sews up manifestations of those feelings. She uses fabric and thread and expresses her emotions through her garments. I wanted to envelope my body in sensations that spoke to my sensuality. I wanted the fabric that swished next to my skin to echo the desire for hands on that same skin. I had a picture in my head of how I would look and feel when I saw this person who was pouring these sweet words into my soul. I had feelings and emotions and sensations that needed to be manifest in my clothing. A lot of it was sensual and erotic. But some of it was just plain comfort and familiarity, and a return to an alive awareness of my humanity that I hadn’t felt in a long while.

There was an image in my head that I think came from some magazine I had seen in my youth. We’re talking late 1970’s/early 1980’s so it was an image that involved a woman wearing an oversized top and jeans, shoulders cocked, arms at acute angles, with the top slipping off her shoulder. I think it could be an image of Lauren Hutton, but I am not sure. To me it said insouciant confident sexuality. It has floated in my subconscious for decades. This Summer, I had that image as motivation to sew clothing. Clothing that spoke to my feelings of being comfortably in my body. Recognizing how my body was part of who I am, was a source of pleasure, for me and others, and how that was a power. Not to be lorded over others, but for myself, to recognize that I am whole, I am worthy of love, I have love to give and am able to receive it. And to be shared with love and affection in a respectful manner.

We who sew garments for our bodies are in a constant dialogue with ourselves about how we present to the world. For some of us it is a vital middle finger to any who might have criticized our choices and expressions in the past. For others it is a declarative and joyful statement of identity. For yet others it is a demand for recognition and acknowledgement of who we are and what we believe. Even though we are less engaged in the mainstream world of ‘fashion’ as Makers, we are yet still able to associate with groups or styles that call to us. There are many many reasons why we dress how we do. For those who have the added layers of control sewing your own clothing gives, there are even more reasons for how and why we dress the way we do. I think for some it may be a pure expression of craft and pride in accomplishment of skills. Whatever the particular reason, or reasons, it is pretty rare that some thought doesn’t go into what we sew and why. I have had various reasons in the past few years for sewing the things I have. But I can tell you that until this Summer none of them were this acutely sensual.

Having reached the upper edges of my 50’s I was feeling a waning of my physical attraction to sexual partners. I had convinced myself that part of my life was over. Or at least very much on the periphery of my current life. I will not blame that feeling on any person, or situation. For while I was in a place where my desirability seemed uncertain, it was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wasn’t feeling my body and it’s strength, so it wasn’t calling out for the attention it so obviously needed but couldn’t identify. It seems obvious that this is at heart an issue of sexual attraction and expression. I will admit to that. But when I had this rush of feeling this Summer it was a bit more elemental than that. Our sexual urges, needs, expressions, are a part of who each and every one of is. Not the whole of us, but most certainly an authentic part. Whether we realize it, and act upon it, or not, it is always there. And this is not to say that we all dress to attract our desired sexual partners all the time. However, what you wear is the very first signal most people get of who we are and how we want to be seen. So depending on individual preferences, there is some degree of our sensuality on display in our dress.

I had a small transformation in the last few years. It started with a physical change- I changed my eating habits and began to move in a considered way. That change led to a shift in attitude than in turn led to a shift in my personal vision, which led to a change in relationship. Notably, I separated from my partner of 15 years. I am not going to go into details of my split, that is between me and my partner. I will say it was painful and difficult and made me look at everything in a different light. And now, two years later, I have evolved, and feel more like myself. I am proud to have gotten here without destroying the relationship I had with my partner, it too has evolved. In a good way.

We sew clothes for all sorts of reasons. At the heart of it I think we sew clothes to reflect who we think/feel we are on the inside. I believe we also sew for our gaze, and the gaze of others like us, but not necessarily for our potential romantic partners. This Spring I went on a tear and sewed up almost twenty garments. At the start of this pandemic I had no motivation to sew garments. I was angry and scared like most. Sewing masks, like most. Reacting to the reality of being restricted to my home, like most. My lack of interest in sewing garments was directly related to not being in public to show those garments to the world. Why sew up a new dress if the only place I could wear it was around my living room? I sewed a couple of baby quilts. Then a spark was ignited, a flirtation began, and the potential for face to face interaction with another human being became real. Just like that I began to sew garments. The timing also coincided with the change of seasons, and a recognition that usually in the Summer I have many other distractions that take up my sewing time. Not the least of which is the retreats. Suddenly I had time to sew up Summer clothes in time to wear them in Summer. This was a revelation and great impetus to pour through my huge collection of patterns for lightweight garments. As that sewing progressed, apace with the flirtation, I started to recognize the pull towards sensual fabrics and silhouettes that accentuated my favorite body parts. A date for a rendezvous was established and then there was a deadline. And travel. And many of us know of the phenomenon that is vacation or travel sewing. Must have new garment(s) for a journey! That’s when I started to realize, I was sewing garments to be taken off of me. By someone else. In an intimate setting. Yowza.

That realization was complicated. I was urged on by my lust, and attraction, but also a bit surprised that I was so concerned with another’s view of me. Those thoughts battled back and forth in my head, and heart, for the time before, during, and after the interlude. (Well, not so much during. Ahem. I was otherwise occupied then. Wink.) It was only very recently, after beating myself up for a while about ‘not writing a blog post about all the garments I had sewed to share with others who were similarly stressed by our current trumpster fire of a universe’, that I recognized that there was something more complicated and subtle going on here.

Let me say I believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone sewing up clothes to attract an intimate partner. Nature is all about reproduction and keeping species alive, and even if that isn’t your particular goal (to procreate), attracting a partner is a life affirming activity. Where it goes astray, in my estimation, is when it is built on external influences that are unhealthy and unrealistic, or when it’s foundation discounts, or even denigrates one’s belief in oneself. But that’s a whole other conversation, one that goes on regularly and widely.

As I unpacked my sewing for sex conundrum, I came to see that I was sewing for the woman I saw myself as, or hoped I was, as a vibrant attractive individual. I made a couple of tops and a dress that really worked best without a bra. I have not gone out in public without a bra in decades. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable. Would have felt exposed and vulnerable. And yet I found myself on a couple of particularly hot days walking my dog through my very residential neighborhood in a dress without a bra. The dress was not tight or form fitting in any way, and the bodice was lined, so I wasn’t ostentatious in my lack of undergarments. No parents needed to shield the eyes of their innocent children as I walked by. I wager no one even noticed, as we are all SO much in our own heads. It was hot. Most Mainers head to the water or the woods when it gets that hot. Or they were indoors in their air conditioning…. But that feeling of being so in my body and so attuned to it’s pleasures was a tiny sliver of happiness in an otherwise unhappy time. I did not feel exposed or ashamed. I just felt like me. Truly within my skin, self identified, comfortable, alive. In a crappy Summer, it was a nice feeling.

The tryst came and went and there was some frustration in my home. But as I do with so many other emotions and feelings, I worked through them with my Making. I became fixated on making a red dress. The inspiration had been percolating on the back burner all Summer, and then burst into execution with the release of the Elodie wrap dress pattern by Closet Core Patterns. All my musings came together into this Make. Can you see how this dress was the result of this Summer’s flirtational expressions? I have yet to wear this dress anywhere. The pandemic and the change in seasons have kept it in my closet. But it is my talisman. I evoke it, and these photos of myself wearing it whenever I feel small and sad. It pretty much always works. Isn’t that a testament to what sewing for yourself can do…? If you want to read more thoughts I had on this red dress check out my Instagram feed, back in the beginning of September.

So why am I sharing this? Other than the fact that I enjoy writing, and that I process many of my feelings this way, I am not sure. Maybe to remind myself, and you, that we are still alive, even as everything around us seems to belie that idea? Maybe to slightly shake your understanding of me. Maybe to uncover another layer of myself in a public manner, at a moment when I feel a little invisible, unseen, unloved. Ultimately I write these blog posts to attempt to connect to my fellow humans. I use my craft as the medium through which to relate. To try and situate myself in the wider world around us. To try and understand myself, and then perhaps others a little better. Because if this recent election did anything it showed me how much we still do not understand about each other. How isolated we still appear to be…. I can see a position that thinks these posts of mine are self-indulgent, but they are always written from a place of honesty and with the desire to connect and share our humanity. In our days going forward, now that it appears we have a new president, I believe we need as much shared humanity as possible. I think I will always err on the side of oversharing given the option. I sincerely hope all reading this can see/hear that for what it is.

Samantha, who still loves you all…

Peppermint peplum top, Lander shorts.jpg

For those among you who want to see the garments in more detail…. ;)

Blog

attraction sewing